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The Lolcow Pen

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1. Types
2. Most Vocal
3. Bonus
4. Why stay afar

Types of Cows

• An Artcow creates laughably terrible pictures.
• A Careercow keeps a job it is awful at.
• A Dramacow causes controversy.
• A Schizocow is just plain crazy!
• A Horrorcow is undebatably apalling.

Most Vocal Cows

Charles White / penguinz0 / MoistCr1tikal / HugeCharles

• Type: Careercow
• Milkable Parts: lack of research, contradictory actions and presentation
• Frequents: YouTube and Twitch
• Notable enablers: Chris Chandler, Discotek Media, Internet Anarchist, Karl Jobst, Ludwig, MeatCanyon, Mori Calliope, Mutahar "SomeOrdinaryGamers" Anas, Ryan Pictures, WIRED
• See it in action

Dig Deeper / Diggy

• Type: Schizocow
• Milkable Parts: poor reading comprehension, contradictory statements
• Frequents: the web in general
• See it in action

Froge

• Type: Schizocow
• Milkable Parts: lack of research, poor watching comprehension, blatant attraction to minors
• Frequents: Neocities
• See it in action
• Possible socks?

Joshua Connor Moon / Null

• Type: Careercow
• Milkable Parts: attacking its site's members for petty reasons, failing to answer simple questions, falling for the Streisand Effect, database mismanagement, FAT
• Frequents: Kiwi Farms and Telegram
• Notable enablers: Daniel Lopez, Ruben Sim, Turkey Tom
• See it in action

Mark McConville / LS Mark / Midnight Mark / Splash Dash

• Type: Dramacow
• Milkable Parts: lack of research, slandering Mr. Enter, defaming and stalking Butch Hartman, failing to answer simple questions, trying to marry a hebephile, poor watching comprehension, frivolous spending, FAT
• Frequents: YouTube, Discord, and Twitter/X
• Notable enablers: Basically Games, Blooms, Johnny 2 Cellos/Cozy/Casual, "laly", LioConvoy, Mr. Enter (surprisingly), Mutahar "SomeOrdinaryGamers" Anas, OneyNG, Saberspark, Scott the Woz, Sr Pelo, Zach "psychoticpebbles" Hadel
• See it in action

Lady Decade

• Type: Careercow
• Milkable Parts: clickbait titles and thumbnails, frivolous spending
• Frequents: YouTube
• Notable enablers: SIMPS
• See it in action

Luke Smith

• Type: Lolcow
• Milkable Parts: poor reading comprehension, failing to answer simple questions, petty racism, blatant hypocrisy, clickbait titles and thumbnails
• Frequents: YouTube
• See it in action

MarioMario456

• Type: Schizocow
• Milkable Parts: sending unjustified personal attacks to wiki editors, administrating a drama-centric wiki without knowing about recent drama
• Frequents: Encyclopedia Dramatica
• See it in action

Pokimane

• Type: Careercow
• Milkable parts: blatant hypocrisy, petty scamming
• Frequents: YouTube and Twitch
• Notable enablers: JiDion, Ludwig
• See it in action

Thomas Hanson / Turkey Tom / TomDark / NotATurkey / anonbirdd / tombutdark

• Type: Dramacow
• Milkable Parts: derp face, blatant hypocrisy, frivolous spending
• Frequents: YouTube and Twitter/X
• Notable enablers: The Act Man, Art Chad, Brandon Buckingham, HarleyTBS, Mutahar "SomeOrdinaryGamers" Anas, Nicholas DeOrio, Rob's Media
• See it in action

Trad Cath from LA / Chink Destroyers from LA / Guardian against Miscegenation / fag0t v2 / Ashley Hutsell JanKuntowski / The Gheys from LA / AshIey HutseII Reneé Jankowskī-p / AshleysBigOlBelly / The Real Sam Asp Glassen / Ash's Dildo

• Type: Schizocow
• Milkable Parts: frequent ad hominem attacks, spamming in threads, not using Xenforo's reaction/rating feature when it has almost nothing to add, claiming to be 30 and well-off despite acting like a 6-year-old
• Frequents: Onion Farms
• See it in action

Eric Ray / UltimateDSfan / UltimateDSEris / ultimate_eris / UltimateHellscape / 8BitComms

• Type: Horrorcow
• Milkable Parts: emotional crybullying, racism towards itself, failing to answer simple questions, mediocre hygiene, poor watching comprehension, frivolous spending
• Frequents: YouTube, Twitter/X, and Discord
• Notable enablers: DAclassicgamer/DAepikartman, MilesRoseQuartz, Nintendude, Team YouTube
• See it in action

Bonus Cows

1. Lolcow CandyEvie/Luvie: called a Pokémon battle a "bad choice", even though that's the focus of the main series
2. Artcow SuperSpoe: refused to claim responsibility for enabling hebephiles, poor watching comprehension
3. Careercow Mother's Basement: flip-flopping on copyright, lol cuckold
4. Careercow Plainrock124: buys toys to destroy instead of smashing rocks found near a street or digging for treasure
5. Dramacow Ruben Sim: used faulty AI to create a bot, then seethed when it got banned; can't take criticism
6. Schizocow Karl Hamburger: has a South Park avatar, but claimed childhood doesn't matter and lusted after minors; A-logs trans men
7. Schizocow Sr Pelo: never improves its art, supports incompetent criminals, A-logs other YouTubers, blocks critics of its double standards
8. Horrorcow LioConvoy: throws tantrums over alleged degeneracy, despite defending the criminals LS Mark and Lily Orchard; poor hygiene

Why you should not stalk or support cows

More attention could encourage them to stagnate or worsen

Some cows' works are monetized, so many views could earn them piles of money that they will likely squander. Excessive leniency spoiled many of them rotten and still does.

Professionals will wrangle them

Many workplaces and schools blacklist candidates for poor behavior. If a cow violates a law, authorities can neutralize it.

Most of them will never learn their lessons, regardless of what they experience

Closed-mindedness is a common flaw among cows. Before you attempt to persuade one, ask the following questions:

• Is the cow willing to improve, though not able? If so, it is not as capable as you thought.
• Is the cow able to improve, though not willing? If so, it is not as well-intentioned as you thought.
• Is the cow willing and able to improve? If so, why is it still funny?
• Is the cow neither willing nor able to improve? If so, why does it deserve most of your attention?

To quote A Dose of Buckley: "[...] you can try to contain the contamination, but why bother when it's already a wasteland?"

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